Lessons in Irreparable Damage

I know I'm about a week behind on this, but I never promised breaking news on this blog. It took me a few days to process, to feel myself get all mixed up between angry and horribly sad, to calm down, and to get angry all over again.  I know this has been all over the news, the internet, everywhere... the suicide of Tyler Clementi.  If this is old hat to you or too boring or painful or meaningless to you to listen to right now,  that's okay.  You can go and need not read further.  But as long as you're here, I'll have my say, if it's all the same.  And even if it isn't.

If you're one of the few people who haven't heard about this, I'll give you a very brief summary.  Tyler Clementi, a 19 year old college student in his freshman year at Rutgers University, was made the brunt of a very cruel joke in which a couple of other students (his roommate and his roommate's friend)  managed to record him having sex with a man on two different occasions.   Tyler Clementi  wasn't yet "out".  These two students then posted these encounters on the internet, for the world to see.  Tyler, who obviously did not have the strongest sense of self at the time, killed himself by jumping off the George Washington Bridge.  You can read all the news stories online... there are tons.  Here's a link to get you started, if you so desire.  

http://www.cbsnews.com/8300-504083_162-504083.html?keyword=rutgers&tag=contentMain;contentBody

Now, as I said, obviously this kid didn't have a lot of self esteem and may have even been dealing with identity issues, since he hadn't come out to his friends and family yet.  I've read the arguments (and could've made them all myself in my sleep), and yes, I'm sure those two students didn't intend for Clementi to kill himself.  And yes, of course he would've had to have been nursing a pretty fragile mental state in order to take that final step.  But does that excuse the complete and total disregard for another person's sense of self worth and privacy that these two people exhibited?  Aren't we, as supposedly sentient creatures, responsible for our actions?  Responsible for thinking through the potential consequences before we act?  They didn't just tease him, friends.  This was no mild razzing, all in good fun.  Let me repeat... THEY POSTED VIDEO ON THE INTERNET OF HIM HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN .  

Excuse me, but what about that does not scream sick and cruel?  What the holy hell is wrong with people?  Just because we have the internet, does that mean we have to use it to humiliate each other mercilessly?  Of course, I shouldn't be shocked.  It's what humans do; some humans, anyway.  We use whatever means necessary to destroy each other.  

Which brings me to my point... that I'll try to get out succinctly, even though all I want to do right now is scream and cuss and throw things.  

We have a responsibility to each other and to the world around us.  I know not everyone is taught that, but here in America, at least, there is very little excuse.  They cover bullying in public school in, what, kindergarten?  First grade?  Then again in middle school?  And again in high school in some places (although by then they call it "hazing")?  So effing STOP IT already!  Get over yourselves!  Stop thinking the only way to have fun and feel good about yourself is to make someone else feel like crap!  So what if you "didn't know" he would commit suicide?  SO WHAT?  You have no idea what another person is going through when you're slinging around your evil words and well-planned modes of degradation.  You won't know how such a psychological attack is going to be received - how your target is going to deal with it, whether or not they're going to break.  But you know it's going to hurt.  Because, well, isn't that the point?

So, congratulations, bullies and jerks and ignorant, hateful people of the world!  You broke another one!  Are you proud?  Can't you just feel the power?  This one is broken beyond repair... indeed, beyond anyone's reach now.  And yes, even if you didn't "mean to" -- you. are. responsible.  Chew that up and swallow it and let this one final ultimate consequence teach you a lesson for once in your life.  Because, just as I'm sure that the ones who do break, the ones who snap under the pressure and fall apart for good (because we all know we can't take it back now!), are short on self esteem and all out of strength, I am also certain that the hecklers and instigators have been building up their senses of self at the expense of others for a very long time. It takes practice and ingenuity and a whole lot of spite to pull off this kind of grand humiliation.  This wasn't the first for these tormentors, I'm sure.  This was only the biggest. 

I can't talk about this much more.  I am literally sick over the whole thing, and over the depths of cruelty to which humans will stoop to make themselves feel big.  Here's the Ellen video.  It's on Youtube, but in case you haven't seen it yet...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Br7nbQSIyhg

The last final question - the one we always ask in the end... our plea to all that is good and holy... why?  Why.

There are a million answers, and none of them satisfy.

Subtle Prejudice

First, I need to note that the image to your left was taken by D. Sharon Pruitt from the Creative Commons website (http://www.flickr.com/photos/pinksherbet/2567006027/).  She asked that we give her credit when using her work.

And now:

I composed a book on this subject last night.  However, you'll be relieved to hear that I didn't have my flash drive with me at the time and the computer I drafted it on doesn't have internet access.  I'll just have to wing it.  Besides, I supposed it was a bit wordy...

Instead I'm going to tell you the truest thing that I know.  All people, regardless of who they are, where the come from, how they dress, what they believe, who they love or where they sleep at night are of equal worth.  All of them.  All of us.  Because that's the issue here, isn't it?  Prejudice is what happens when we say, "You aren't one of us.  You're different, which must mean you're not as good."

We seem to feel this need to draw lines and paint things with judgments of black or white.  We determine that this one is "good" and this one is "bad".  This is necessary to a certain degree.  It's how we as humans make sense of our world and strive to keep ourselves and those we love safe.  Because we learn at an early age that all people may be people, but not all people have our best interest at heart.  It's a fact of nature that will always be there.  So, yes, we must make "judgments" so to speak on our fellow humans.  To make such judgments based on what an individual does, the choices they make, whether they are open and loving or angry and hurtful, this is healthy.  This is smart.  But to determine a person's worth or place in society based on nothing more than their race, creed, color, sexual orientation, income or what side of town they grew up on, this is ludicrous.  This is prejudice.  And it is alive and well in America, no matter how far we've come.

Most prejudice is subtle.  It is perpetuated through little turns of phrases that belittle others, sayings many people take for granted.  For instance, my son picked up the local vernacular and started calling things he saw as ridiculous or not worth his time "gay".  We had a long discussion (a few of them, actually) about why this is a bigoted thing to say and what harm it does.  You wouldn't say something you considered useless or silly "black", would you?  How about "Baptist".  Or, try this on for size, "That's so Mexican."  Are you horrified?  You should be.  But I am willing to bet there are people somewhere who use this little phrase all the time.  Because it's what people do.  A group of people confuse us or annoy us or make us uncomfortable, and we deal with it by belittling them.  So, other people hear the phrase.  And they start saying it.  And all of a sudden, it's everywhere.  Gay becomes synonymous with "worthless" and "foolish".  But it's harmless, right?

I'm going to let you ponder that one for yourself.  And I'd ask that you consider how many homosexuals end up hospitalized and/or dead simply because they're gay.  The same is true for other groups, as well.  People in our oh-so-modern society are victims of prejudice every hour of every day.  This is not just a stain on our history, friends.  This is now.  This is happening.

Today, since my time is short, I'll close by asking of you one small thing.  I'd ask you to look for hidden prejudices within yourself, no matter how progressive or "liberal" you may consider yourself.  Listen to what words you use to mean useless or foolish.  Listen to the insults you throw.  And listen to others.  You'll hear it, in little "innocent" comments, the type of which breed enough hate and give enough justification to get people killed.  Just watch the news... if your eyes are open, you'll see for yourself.