A Sentient Holiday Survival Guide (and a little catch-up)

Hello friends, on this fine Thanksgiving eve.  I trust this finds you well, if a little stressed, perhaps a little apprehensive?  I know we're about to embark on that ambivalent and potentially trying time of year, The Holidays.  Here in America, we start with Thanksgiving and the fun (or misery, depending on your lot) doesn't stop until after the New Year.  If that prospect excites you, I share your joy and wish you all the magical beauty and warmth this time of year can offer.  If not, I feel you, too, because we all know that family time isn't always happy time.  But... I'll get back to that in a minute.  First, to catch up.

I saw Deathly Hallows Part 1 over the weekend, and I'm pleased to say it was fantastic.  Anyone else seen it yet?  I'd love to hear your impressions.  There were parts that took my breath away, and a few that choked me up entirely.  I need to see it again, to thoroughly digest it all (any idea on how long 'til the DVD release?), and now I'm counting the months to the release of Part 2 in July.  It's excruciating, sitting here in the middle like this.  

Yesterday, I laid my hands on a copy of Stephen King's latest collection of short stories, Full Dark, No Stars .  I haven't even cracked it open yet, except to peek at the dedication page, which is to Tabitha King, and which touched me as much as every other one that's been dedicated to her in the past.  Somehow, his dedications never get old, and never fail to make me smile.  

In other news, I need to let you know that my dear friend, Sarah Franz-Wichlacz, is selling her one-of-a-kind hand-made critters, in case you know of a certain someone (you, perhaps?) that needs a magical creature in their life.  She makes them on commission, they're going for $75 per critter, and they're bigger than you think!  You can see examples of some she's made so far on her blog here, or look over to the right at Other Worlds to See and click on wich-crafting - you'll be transported to her world.  If you are interested in commissioning one of these lovelies from the lovely Sarah, you can email her directly at sfranzwichlacz@gmail.com.  I highly recommend it.  You won't be disappointed.  (Those magical hands can conjure the most wondrous creations.)

And now to deal with those potential holiday woes.  I know many of the people of my when and where are dealing with all kinds of recent family upheavals, yours truly being no exception.  If you have no such issues, and you get along great with your family, then do give thanks and hug and kiss those wonderful relations of yours for being a positive, stable, loving influence in your life.  Don't ever take that for granted.  

For everyone else, it can be hard sometimes to muster up good will and holiday spirit when you dread the awkward conversation, the elephant in the room, the endless mortifying decisions like what gifts to give, what food to serve, dear gods, what to wear  around these people!  Fear not, dear friends.  This too shall pass.  And in the mean time, I've come up with some ways to deal with it until it does.  

First, please remember that your familial relations, be they blood-tied or in-lawed, are people, too.  This sounds cliche, I know.  But it's something we don't often stop to really consider when we're sitting there, judging each other with fake smiles on our faces.  

Each and every person you see, and your family is no exception, has nagging fears, horrible habits (like your own), and their own particular ways of protecting themselves (just like you) from anyone who seems to them to be attacking who they are or what they hold dear.  These bits of self defense may come across as a prejudice, rudeness, or a direct attack on you.  They are protecting themselves.  Remember this.  In every difficult, confusing moment, people are just trying to survive, whether they are conscious of it or not.  Think about that for a moment.  Consider the people you know and try it on for size.  Can you see how this applies?

Are you with me on this?  Do you see what I mean? 

Now that we've put that into perspective (hopefully), I want to suggest that, in order to really make it through The Holidays intact and, perhaps (dare we hope?), happy, it's important to start looking inward.  Just a moment will do.  Who are you?  At your core?  What is the very best of you?  And what do you have (don't roll your eyes) to be thankful for?  

I sometimes think the Fates set it up this way, that Thanksgiving should kick off the holiday season (at least in this country) for a reason, and, sue me, but I think I'm onto something here.  

You have something, even if it looks like the whole wide world has gone gray and black with awful loss or sadness or just plain awkward family stuff.  If you have family, count this as a blessing.  Many people have no one, and not everyone likes it that way.  If you have "no one," remember that you have yourself, that you are alive, and treat yourself to something you love, something you enjoy, something that reminds you that being alive isn't so bad.  There's still good music.  There's a sky to wonder at.  And great books to read.  Movies to watch.  New people you've never met... but could. 

What I'm trying to say, friends, is that we are all someone and so is everyone else.  Don't let an awkward moment (or an infuriating one) rattle your core.  Your Aunt Mable may always criticize your clothes or your cooking.  So what?  It makes her feel better about herself to make you feel bad.  Don't let her.  You are you and that's no better or worse than anyone else.  

You've lost someone, or your family has a great big schism running through it.  Smile at all of them, even the ones you disagree with.  The point is who is there, not who isn't.  The point is that you're all human and all going through your own experience.  Disagreements are bound to happen.  It doesn't have to make you miserable.  And if someone in your family feels the need to start a confrontation, by all means let them, as long as it's productive, as long as it's honest, as long as it means getting down to admitting there's a big fat elephant sitting in your living room.  Go ahead, hash it out.  

I used to believe that people should just "try to get along" for the holidays, but I think I've grown past that now.  I still believe people should try to appreciate each other for the holidays, but that's not the same thing.  Learning to be honest, learning to be real, even if you don't get the reactions your hoping for, is a hard thing.  But it's better.  It's worlds better.  I promise you that.  

So, let Aunt Mable criticize the turkey for the 15th year in a row.  Let her tell you that purple really isn't your color.  And then look her in the eye and ask her, openly and honestly, why she feels the need to criticize you every year.  She may deny it, she may defend it, but whatever she says, it's better than swallowing your feelings... again. 

And then make sure you show each person in your world (even Aunt Mable) that you care, that you appreciate them in some way (even if it's hard to find, everyone can be appreciated for something).  It can be a small show of appreciation (like a compliment or a smile, so long as it's genuine), or a big show, like a direct "I love you" or a long conversation.  Whatever else you do at the closing of this year, do this.  You have no idea how good this feels, to put some good will into the world, and you have no idea how much good you might actually be doing, whether you can see the proof of it or not. Either way, it may very well save your holidays.  And it most surely will save your soul.  

Bereavement Leave

I know it's been too long since I last checked in.  I'm sorry for that.  A lot of life has been lived since September, a lot experienced and a lot observed.  It's almost too much for one report, but I'll try.

October has come and gone.  I had all these grand ideas of what to write in this report; the season of change, the crossing over from life to death, from summer to autumn, all so symbolic.  There are so many perspectives to take on these concepts, the possibilities seemed endless.  But Fate laughed and decided it would be best for me to live these as reality rather than give me the peace and quiet to sit and ponder them as concepts this year.

The first big change came when I found out that I'd have to postpone the move I'd been planning for the end of the month.  This was due to unforeseen complications with the renovation of a bathroom.  An old lead pipe (something my father and uncle are convinced doesn't exist inside the borders of our great nation) was nicked in the process of tearing out the sub floor.  This accident lead to the discovery that said ancient pipe had been slowly eroding away and was now near the end of its considerably long life.  All of the plumbing underneath the bathroom would have to be completely replaced.  Tack on an additional $1000 to the overall cost of this project, and I say thankya.  (And, yes, for those of you that recognize that little turn of phrase, I am still neck-deep in The Dark Tower series, ¾ of the way through Wolves of the Calla, if ya' kennit.)

Now, what was slated to be a Halloween move has turned into a post-Thanksgiving move, and we reserve the right to push that deadline to Yuletide.  Originally, I had hoped to be most of the way settled in by the time the big holidays hit, but Fate laughs, and there you are.  Silly humans and their "plans".

Okay, so I'm not moving as soon as I wanted.  That's all right, I can ride this wave.  I'm sure it's for the best, in the grand scheme of things (of which, I admit, I see so very little).

Then, a few weeks ago, I had the whisper of a feeling that I really should go visit my grandfather.  He'd been in a nursing home for the past year because he lost the use of his legs and grandma isn't strong enough to turn him or help him if he falls out of bed and no one's around.  I mentioned my feeling aloud to my beloved as we drove along toward someplace insignificant.  To this my beloved replied that, of course, if I felt that way, I should certainly pay grandpa a visit.

As the story goes (as it always seems to go), I did not go visit him.  I was too busy and too tired and it never seemed the right time.  Then, two week ago, I found out from my father that grandpa had been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia.  But, he was on the upswing.  Grandpa had pulled out of the worst of it and they were talking about letting him go back to the home in a day or two.  Good.  There's still time, though that feeling of being almost to the end, that feeling of inevitability, never left me.  I simply covered it up with this band aid of good news from my Da'.

Four days ago (this would be five days after I received the prior news) my cell phone rang while I was at work.  It was from a number I didn't recognize, but I answered it because my son was always calling me from his friends' cell phones – I haven't gotten him his own yet.  It wasn't my son.  It was my father.  I had forgotten he'd got a new cell number that I hadn't programmed into my phone yet.  And, again, as the story always seems to go, as soon as I heard his voice, I knew.  Time had run out.  I had ignored my intuition just long enough to render its message useless, and now I would never see my grandfather again. 

Since then, life has been like wandering through patchy fog.  There are bouts of emotion when the fog clears and everything is vivid and too real.  Those are the hard moments.  And then there's another patch of fog where you find yourself standing there, stalk-still, staring the countertop, the desk, the wall, only, until you came to, you weren't really seeing the object you were staring at.  You were just… staring, lost in complicated thoughts or no thoughts at all, feeling directionless.  It's like shock, but I don't know if that's what it is.  Can shock come and go like that?  I don't know.

My job gave me bereavement leave.  I took it – all two days of it.  I wanted to use the time to be there to help my family.  I thought maybe I could help with the arrangements or calling people or some other important task.  But my grandparents had already planned for this and my own parents had been taking care of them for so long, they already had a strategy.  All the arrangements were made.  The calls were done.  There wasn't much left to do. 

That's when I realized what a strange time it is, to be in your thirties.  My own parents are in their 50s and are still working too much and raising horses and taking care of their elders.  From that perspective, I'm still on the young end of the spectrum.  But from here, I have this feeling of responsibility, like I should be taking care of things, I should shoulder some of the weight when big stuff like this happens.  And then I find I'm not quite needed in that capacity yet. 

At first, this realization bothered me.  I felt useless and lost.  I kept these feelings to myself, however, and ported my energy into making breakfast muffins and date bars for the out-of-towners that would be populating my parents' home over the next several days.  The muffins and bars were whole grain things, a bit heavier than their white flour counterparts, and I wasn't sure anyone would like them.  But I had intended them to be real sustenance in the guise of comfort food and possibly an easy grab-n-go breakfast for the morning of the funeral.  It was the best I could come up with, given the circumstances, as I sat in the aftermath of my realization of how little was left to be done, staring at my kitchen counter through my current patch of fog, thinking, "What do people do for funerals?  … food.  They bring food."
   
I met with family members I hadn't seen in years and reacquainted myself with cousins I barely knew, since we had all grown up in different states.  I watched my father and his brothers and my grandmother grieve, and I did some grieving myself.  I had never seen my father sob before.  It broke whatever steel my brother and I thought we had.  And through it all, my perspective changed, as new wisdom will do to us now and then, and I found myself feeling grateful that there had been nothing more for me to do than to bake some well-intended muffins and talk and share with family.  It is not yet my time to take care of my family at large.  I'm still one of "the kids" and I my responsibility is to my own household.  My parents are still young and still strong and still taking care of business.  I am grateful for this, and I am also so proud of them, for the strength they've shown over these past several years as they took up the torch to care of their own parents when their parents needed them most.  It is through this example of honor and love that I and the rest of my generation learn to stand and be strong for the long haul.  Because of them, we will be able to take our turn when the time comes, and do the honorable thing – to be there for them and show them all the love and respect that they have earned.

So, again, I apologize for my recent bout of silence, but as you can see, the season of change wasn’t about to let me off the hook this year.  Of course, I’m still in the middle of it, but I’m hoping the worst of it has passed… for now.  But, if not, I’m sure there will be a reason.  Someone I once knew used to ask at times like this, “Well, did you learn anything, Dorothy?” (presumably referring to the Dorothy that found herself in Oz).  Yes.  I’ve learned to appreciate now.  The present is such a fleeting thing.